me llamo hamsterface

Lahlah: a kookie, sweet, loving, smart and sassy darling

Lahlah knows how to work a camera. Her mom is a talented photographer and has been blessed with a lovely model.

The little imp is also a friendly soul, a lover of shells and pizza, and an active accomplice to her three year-old brother Bennett. She's also helpful, a good listener, and has taken her school motto to heart: what you give away you keep, what you keep you lose. Something like that.

We had such fun on the dunes at Jockey's Ridge on Tuesday. What a ball. I knew the kids eyes would pop when they saw all that sand. It's a marvel, and a terrific adventure. There's nothing quite like hurling yourself down a 100 foot dune and ending up unscathed. Di and I had sore calves; the kiddos had joy in their hearts.

There's something very English Patient about the place, the ripples and varied colors in the gazillions of grains the wind has blown in. Sometimes you get a little in your mouth and ears, but it's a good trade for the views of the ocean behind you and the sound in front of you. It's a treasure of our country, just as these sweet children as are to me.

Giddy enthusiasm, unbridled energy, tangled hair and beautiful spirits

These kids are the best. Truly. I haven't spend three days with children since Dorsey and I shared a bathroom. And she was 7 then. So it's been a long long time.

I love this photo, it captures Di in her favorite activity, capturing youth and grace. Bennett is having a ball, and impervious to requests for slowing down for a photo. Di takes marvelous shots, but I really like the energy I've captured here.

Shells scattered on the beach

Hearing little feet scamper above here in the house at Duck was a rare treat, a flashback, and hopefully, a foreshadowing. Those sandy feet belonged to Bennett and Lahlah, delicious children with generous amounts of glee, broad smiles, and plenty of zest and daring to take on the crabs and the waves on the beach. They're charming kids, parented well glowing in love and trust. I so enjoyed getting more than a quick stop by the house for a visit. Even as fatigue and fussiness descended, the time with them was rich.

Some fun remembrances:

the late night arrival and carrying slumbering children to bed

waking up to large thumps - happy children having discovered the "crow's nest"

the harrowing sounds of Spongebob (a real vacation treat) going on and on and on

strawberry ice cream dripping everywhere, and Lahlah's uncanny ability to eat a strawberry mint-chocolate chip double dip 

the pleasure of buying a 25 cent postcard that inspired such glee

jumping through the waves, hearing Lahlah's heart beat as the ocean sucked us forward

remembering that all shells are worth collecting

the wonder and awe as the children first saw Jockey's Ridge, and the freefall down the dunes

watching Bennett make a sand angel and hearing his happy shrieks

painting toes orange and fuschia

sweet pleases and thank you's, and a good dose of funny faces and crossed eyes too

the patter of Bennett's feet as he raced up and down the steps, yet again

the sad faces of children who discovered the jacuzzi didn't work

tender loving kisses and hugs as they said goodbye

more photos soon! 

That old feeling

It's this "there's just not enough time". But then...

(8 days later) That was interesting. Truly, there was not enough time. Hmmm...

I've been tied up in lots of drama, but good drama. But not exactly job search related. But at some point, I've got to throw off that set of mental shackles. Pablo's given me that chance, and I need to take him up on it -- and take it easy on myself.

Anyway, interesting things include:

a wonderful anniversary (posting soon)

exciting developments with the TheHillisHom.com blog

good times with family, and a little debt relief

great anticipation at seeing many of the peeps I went to Firenze with years ago -- and the fun of basking in those memories

more Facebook connections, and remembering so many childhood memories as I sat happy with Heather at the adorable County Seat in the Powhatan Courthouse

watching Elwood age gracefully, but worrying a lot about his bones and dimming energy

fading in an out of general enthusiasm...and learning to know that the dark days will pass quickly

and lots of other marvelous moments that make me think it's certainly time to blog, but being too busy living (or recovering) to write 

A little distracted

(I wrote this last week...I'm not sure where the time went.)

Again, it's been a day. I've enjoyed distracting myself so much, and I've embraced the idea of being gentle with myself, if that means taking it slow today, cooking because it's meditative and a way to spoil my friends, having a soothing conversation with D, and skipping soccer. I don't like to let people down, my word is my greatest gift - but today I needed some time to relax just a bit before people come over. I could have planned my day better, but then I wouldn't have had lively chats with Mary, Jano and Randy. I wouldn't do anything differently, really.

But it is fun seeing those little women march around the field with joy and enthusiasm, and the appropriate dose of frustration and powie.

Distracting myself is something I'm really good at. Probably better than I should be. Sometime I extend the distraction into simply pushing the memory of the painful issue back into a crevice of my mind. I can barely remember breakups. I remember very little of fights with my parents, only the apprehension and guilt that floated to the surface afterward. Yet there are things I remember that I will have to push away forever, yet that's normal, and kind of reassuring.

Another month has passed, the moon has circled the earth 30 times, and while there are developments all around me, riches in opportunities and experiences, the beginning we long for did not begin this month. I hugged Pablo and looked sadly at him. And I went about distracting myself.

Friends have been on my mind a lot today. Old friends like J, M and D. New friends like M. Dear brave friends like G. Steady generous friends like D. I do treasure them, like I treasure this funny neighborhood. Our friendships have ups and downs, are not always tended like they should be,  show their warts in the harsh sunlight of bad timing. They're also like the smell of the honeysuckle in the back yard, a sturdy, hearty plant that surprises me with a joyful scent this time of year.

whew....

It has been A DAY. Two miles in 17 minutes, two informational interviews, two doctor's appts, and one introduction/brainstorming meeting for The Hill is Home. Also, I bought a suit. Wow. Oh, and a book for Croatia, and an Italian newspaper for Pablo.

I thought I had bitten off more than I could chew today, but I managed to focus, and execute, so to speak. Actually, I was pleased how well the networking/informational interviews went - and how great, smart, gracious the women I met with are. Thankfully, I am feeling a little more secure about my pitch, my message, and was please that I was able to sell the whole package of Kate is and why that package should be irresistible to savvy employers.

All in all, the day went well, and I'm grateful. It all, strangely, did fall into place. I made it happen, but I didn't force it. That's new for me.

Our anniversary is a week ago. Two years ago tonight, we were celebrating our families at the rehearsal dinner. We toasted the blending of our Spanish and American families and took a marvelous bus tour around DC, with cupcakes and champagne. Magical.

More and more recently, I find myself teary about the love in my life. It's a delicious thing to feel that one's life is a bounty of riches. Of course it's far from perfect, but I do have what I need. And for the most part, I do have what I want, certainly that that is important. Feeling loved, feeling safe, and brave enough to be honest goes along way to being able to say you have enough.

There was a fascinating article in Oprah a few months ago about the difference in perspectives/actions of people who prepare for a drought (or any period of insufficient means (of love, food, shelter, etc) and those who have a peaceful confidence that they will have enough when a time of need arises. There were certainly themes borrowed from the loaves and fishes stories, but it has really stuck with me. I am a person who has 10 cans of soup, and three jars of artichokes, and cured olives in my cupboard, just in case. Who knows when I might have to entertain the masses, or what I'd do if I was  broke next month and no longer be able to buy luxury goods like french preserves in cute jars. So, just in case, I'm ready.

I want to stop being like that ... and am paying attention to opportunities to say, you know, "I just need crackers for this party...not for the one in October." It's a little more complicated than that to take it to the zen self-actualized place Oprah's wise woman talked about, but one cracker at a time.

Now I'm off to read one of my library books....and I have six to chose from from. That doesn't really count, right? You can never have too many free books to choose from. To dip in and out of, explore, enjoy or dislike and toss.

Reflections, eh?

That's the theme of our photo assignment on Unraveling this week. Wow, what a loaded subject, with so many fragmented possibilities.

In the last year, I think I've been caught up in how the things others do reflects on me. Well, probably not just for the last year. But that was one of the elements that made management unbearable. I really look forward to a position I can focus on my success, my assignments and know that I own me, and the Kate experience, so to speak.

At first thought, I think my reflections might be a bit of a disco ball. Fragmented, changing, varying as the light that hits it.

This might be an opportunity to think about how other people see me -- and the likelihood that they see me in a far more soft light than I spy those reflections as I walk down the street. Perhaps my reflections are also felt in the shoulders and temples I massage...reflections deep within the muscles. We see the reflections of ourselves in mirrors, but also in smiles, hugs, words and deeds. It's those reflections that follow us. The others are left to linger in the mirrors.

Am I grasping? I think not...

re·flec·tion  

The act of reflecting or the state of being reflected. Something, such as light, radiant heat, sound, or an image, that is reflected. Mental concentration; careful consideration. A thought or an opinion resulting from such consideration. The folding of a membrane from the wall of a cavity over an organ and back to the wall. The folds so made. An indirect expression of censure or discredit: a reflection on his integrity. A manifestation or result: Her achievements are a reflection of her courage. Anatomy The folding of a membrane from the wall of a cavity over an organ and back to the wall. The folds so made.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a girl who ached to pick up her pen. The one she had carried with her for so very long had always been positioned to write someone else's story. She found it harder and harder to be able to extract truths from others tales. The pen got heavier and heavier.

Once upon a time there was a girl who remembered that her camera was a lense that could be used to reorganize perspective. When she found a photo to meditate on, often the words would drip off of her interior walls like the calcium drips on stalactites, and she'd watch a page of herself appear on her laptop monitor.

Once upon a time there was a girl who'd feel the energy and art brimming inside of her, and as it quaked, the companions of confidence and certainty would arrive. Yet, on days when the light dimmed like the moons of Saturn hide on a cloudy night, the universe revealed a hole that enthusiasm, confidence and certaintyl slithered down. She would summon the strengths of the harpies, and occasionally sound a bit shrewish, and often she could power through, and be content with what was enough. But sometimes, the light was very dim, and there was nothing to do but sit and wait. And practice being gentle, practice acceptance, and get really good at waiting.

I'm feeling kind of down about this weekend. I'm not sure why -- it was truly marvelous in many ways. Soccer game. House tour. Bombay Club brunch. Garden expansion. Massages. Etc.  But there's been a smidge of discontent eaking it's way in. I hope just writing about it will obliterate any last bit daring to weedle it's way into Monday.

 

This is going to be quick...

But I'm excited.

But, today, I'm focusing my energies on cover letters. Really.

But exciting things include:

Beginning the Unraveling class - and meditating and taking pictures of feet. Mine, not so lovely, but indeed able and treasured

Kicking things off with the Home on the Hill neighborhood blog, and convening likeminded neighbors to do some brainstorming

Lining up some informational interviews with fantastic people, and being open to wherever these conversations go

Getting excited about the first CSA delivery

Planting seed and seeing what happens, figuratively and literally

Planning some out of town retreats

Organizing a Florence trip reunion, and reuniting with long lost friends and travel aficionados

Beginning to research Croatia and Slovenia for our August adventure

Ok, I got it out. I am being productive. Now, redirect, and focus.

Pushing through

I had one of those weekends....Thursday, Friday and Saturday (yay - that's a weekend now!) I expended all of energy, got things done, worked out, caught up with friends - and then on Sunday I crashed. Made it to the sermon part of church, bought flaky butter croissants, and then buried myself in the NYT, my laptop and a few more episodes of Deadwood. That should be a great day. To Pablo, it most certainly is - and he relishes it. How very Spanish of him.

I, on the otherhand, look at the clock and say, geesh, you're a lazy girl kate, time to summon some energy and "get things done." Yes, that's my battle cry. So much for relishing a little quiet time.

(Too bad I'm not applying that mantra to the job search. Instead, the need to do those two cover letters is nawing at me ruthlessly.)

So I got grumpy with myself, and then him, and woke up in a cruddy mood. I'm pulling myself out of it. Giving C. a massage this morning helped immensely. There's something about kneeding through other peoples stuff (tension and stress riddles muscles that is) that puts mine in perspective.

It's another rainy day...and perhaps that's why I'm a little sanguine. I'm also exicted and nervous about my Unravelling course. I think it's going to be marvelous, but looking at all of the fantastic women who are oozing creativity has me feeling a little less. Knowing that that's not at all what the class is about doesn't quiet my competative side as it should.

All of this mess of emotion and doubt is a good place to remind myself to be still, to be gentle, and to be grateful. Tomorow is a big day, and I need to surrond myself with happy thoughts. Much awaits (to do and to enjoy) and for everything thing, there truly is a season. The rain will end soon.